This is what PNC Park should look like during game time
"Please man, I swear I'll get my life back on track. All I need is a couple bucks."
Here's what I suggest for the Pittsburgh Pirates. 5-year plan. Don't worry. This one's different. A lot different. In the first year you just get rid of everybody. I mean everybody. Because here's the plan for the that year...sign bums. Literal bums. Bums or D list celebrities like Dave Coulier. Pay them all league minimum salary. They'll take it. They need it. You have now managed to clear up some cap space for the next four years. Plus, with the reality TV show contract you have with VH1, the Pirates will have saved up enough money for a $200 million payroll for year 5.
There's no way this wouldn't be the biggest story in sports. Michael Vick would have to murder Britney Spears on Monday Night Football to be a bigger story. Who wouldn't come see this team lose 100-0 every night? How exciting would year 5 be? Then start the cycle all over again for another 5 years.
It may not be real efficient, but it would be one hell of a ride. But until this happens, I'm not giving any more of money so one of my old friends can go buy more coke.