Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Pirates Fans: Enablers

So you have a friend named Ed.  Ed has no job and it doesn't look like he's going anywhere anytime soon.  The problem for Ed is, however, he has a nasty coke habit that he just can't kick.  He asks you for some money, but he tells you he needs it to buy a new suit for a job interview he's going on to get his life in order.  You have a job; you have lots of money, and Ed is a good friend of yours.  There wasn't a more fun guy in high school than Ed.  So you give him some money.  And as expected Ed spends your money on coke and gets real real high.  You get a little upset with Ed because, damnit, your best friend just swindled you.  Ed apologizes and says he wants to check himself into rehab, but doesn't have the money.  Well you give him some more money because Ed reminds you of that time in high school when you and Ed threw that big time party when his parents were out of town.  God, what a great time to be alive.  Ed spends your money on coke.  Ed asks you for money 15 more times. And 15 more times you give him your money while Ed promises that this time is going to be different.  And 15 more times Ed spends your money on coke.  You are now dumber than Ed.  Way dumber. But, as it turns out, there are another 19,367 enablers just as dumb as you giving money to Ed just as much as you.


That is the current average attendance at a game at PNC Park this year.  And yes, I know it is the third lowest in baseball this year.  But how are there this many people, day after day, giving their money to this horrible joke of a team?  I'll tell you how.  There are basically three types of Pirates fans.  There are the Pirates fans that are there just to say that they were there through the tough times when they do manage to throw together a couple W's in a row (which isn't happening under this ownership, I'll explain later).  And there are Pirates fans who can't forget about the exciting times of the early 90's and the 70's; much like Ed's kegger at his parents' house in high school.  And finally the Pirates fans that are there for the fireworks, who, apparently, are not aware that you can see the fireworks for free AND not have to watch Pittsburgh baseball.

This is what PNC Park should look like during game time

Now, the Nutting Family, the owners, do not have a coke problem.  (Well, maybe they do, who knows)  They have no intent to do anything in their powers to make this team any better.  And who can blame them?  Why shell out a lot more money to maybe have a winner when they're already making money with a garbage team?  This age of Pirate fans aren't realizing that they are enabling the Nuttings to keep making money while not attempting to field a real team. 

"Please man, I swear I'll get my life back on track.  All I need is a couple bucks."
Here's what I suggest for the Pittsburgh Pirates.  5-year plan.  Don't worry. This one's different.  A lot different.  In the first year you just get rid of everybody.  I mean everybody.  Because here's the plan for the that year...sign bums.  Literal bums. Bums or D list celebrities like Dave Coulier.  Pay them all league minimum salary.  They'll take it. They need it.  You have now managed to clear up some cap space for the next four years.  Plus, with the reality TV show contract you have with VH1, the Pirates will have saved up enough money for a $200 million payroll for year 5. 

There's no way this wouldn't be the biggest story in sports.  Michael Vick would have to murder Britney Spears on Monday Night Football to be a bigger story.  Who wouldn't come see this team lose 100-0 every night? How exciting would year 5 be?  Then start the cycle all over again for another 5 years.

It may not be real efficient, but it would be one hell of a ride.  But until this happens, I'm not giving any more of money so one of my old friends can go buy more coke.


  1. Schu, the blog. Long time reader, first time commenter. Anyways this is in response to Werenka's earlier post, but because the awfulness of the Pirates has left me temporarily paralyzed, I can't click on the other post to comment. Deal with it.

    Anyways Vick is nothing more than a publicity stunt. If McNabb gets hurt and Vick takes any meaningful snaps, it will only be a matter of time before he screws up (not necessarily because of talent, but because of rust). And then the Philly fans will turn on him and then he is going to wish all he had to worry about was dropping the soap. It's overplayed but Philly fans are vicious. They would probably boo a halftime show consisting of that cute kid from Jerry Maguire ("the human head weighs 8 lbs") eating apple pie while singing "Tears in Heaven."

    More importantly, the fictional character debate is something that deserves more attention than a Favre press conference on health care reform. I'd like to plug a couple of honorable mentions:

    Crash Davis - no one knows more about the game (or sex with minor league jersey chasers) than this guy.

    Thomas Ian Nicholas - This kid had filthy stuff which is why 20th Century Fox named him Rookie of the Year.

    Ben Richards - Not sure if this counts as a sport, but anyone who can survive "The Running Man" maze sure has to be a hell of an athlete. This was Arnold in his prime, delivering one liners such as "[after strangling Sub-Zero with barbed wire)] What a pain in the neck."

    And in a tag-team nomination: Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle (White Men Can't Jump). Seriously nobody could touch these guys in their prime. They owned the playground. I mean you could equate their dominance with "Rugrats" dominance over Nicktoons in the mid to late 90s. Yeah I went there.

    Seriously though good stuff gentlemen keep up the good work.

  2. I completely agree and have been espousing this logic to everyone I meet when the topic of baseball comes up. When people ask me if I am a pirates fan, I tell them I am a former fan and will again become a fan when the Nuttings no longer own the team. It has nothing to do with them losing. It has nothing to do with being a "fairweather fan". It has to do with the fact that the Nuttings continually exploit the loyalty of Pittsburgh sports fans to line their pockets.