Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Things I Know For Sure About Sports

-There isn’t a bigger disparity in a sports city than in Pittsburgh
-Steelers – strongest franchise in NFL history
-Penguins – franchise hasn’t made a mistake since 2003
-Pirates – Arguably the worst franchise in sports over the past 17 years. But I don’t know anybody who would want to argue against this.

-PED’s will always be in MLB.

-Weed will always be in the NBA.

-Brett Favre will always be in the NFL.

-The “T.O. Show” must be produced by the same people that did “Date my Mom” or “Next” from MTV. The reason this doesn’t work is because you can tell when he reads the cue cards it’s the first time Terrell has read outloud since he was POPCORN reading “To Kill A Mockingbird” in 8th grade.

-Nobody follows the WNBA. Nobody.

-Barry Melrose knows less about his profession than MTV knows about making quality television.

-Guidelines to optimum sporting event viewing:
1.You must be watching with people who are all approximately on the same sports IQ level.
2.High Definition Television
3.Have 1-2 people who are rooting for the other team.
With one stipulation: group must be larger than 4 in this scenario. This puts much more on the line.

-Contrary to what Korean judges think, Roy Jones Jr.
beat Park Si Hun.

-Jimmy Chitwood is the greatest fictional athlete of all time, narrowly edging out Air Bud and Roy Hobbs. In fact here are the 8 fictional athletes of all time (I stopped at 8 because I started to debate whether Coop and Reemer from Baseketball counted and realized how ridiculous it was):
1. Chitwood
So let’s start back a year before this movie starts when the Hickory Huskers were a very good team. We hear that they went deep into the playoffs. Fast forward to next year. New coach. No Jimmy. Huskers start playing like you would think a team that has 7 boys come out for the basketball team would. Uh oh, Jimmy’s back. Team doesn’t lose another game with Jimmy accounting for roughly 90% of the team’s scoring. The final score of the championship game is 42-40. Jimmy scores at least 32 of these points from what we see.

2.Roy Hobbs
Hobbs was well on his way to possibly becoming the best pitcher in baseball. He said he could strike out who was basically Babe Ruth with three pitches. He did. He had to be shot to be stopped. We don’t see him again til he’s well on the other side of his prime, but this time as a slugger. He must have batted .600 in this movie. Then, the only way to stop him…is to shoot him…AGAIN. Accept he parks one to win the whole damn thing that destroys the entire stadium.

3. Air Bud
Here’s the thing about Air Bud. He comes into the game, a game against humans mind you, when he is down 72-56. He puts up a triple-double in about 4 minutes. Against humans. Carries his team to an 83-82 victory. The only thing Air Bud couldn’t do was create his own shot. But I’m nitpicking at this point.

4. Steve Nebraska
In Brendan Frasier’s finest performance of his career he plays Steve Nebraska who gets signed by the Yankees but only plays one game for them. But it was in the
World Series. All Steve Nebraska was throw a perfect game…striking out all 27 batters…with 82 pitches. Obviously this feat will never be duplicated.

5. Teen Wolf
Drags this incredibly awful basketball team to not only win, but be the most exciting team that ever existed. That and he’s doing handstands on moving trucks. Let’s see Lebron do that.

6. Forrest Gump
All-American kick returner. Best ping pong player in the world at one point. Ultra-marathoner.

7. Kelly Leak
Again, drags a god-awful team to compete.

8. Adam Banks
Again, this team was nothing until Banks decided to turn his back on the Hawks and become a Duck.

-NHL playoffs are more exciting than March Madness when you are attached to a team. With no attachment, MM gets the nod.

-You can never have too many LaRoche’s

-The Stanford Tree is the worst mascot in sports.

-Golf is interesting 16 days per year.

-Golf is exciting 4 days per year.

-The NHL, MLB, and NBA seasons are way too long. The NFL manages a 16 game schedule, why can’t these leagues cut theirs’ down to the 50 range at least?

-Decathletes are the best athletes in the world.

-Barry Bonds is like the Beatles. Only in reverse. Run with me here. Before Barry went to the Giants he could do everything. But later became a one dimensional player. He could do one thing better than anyone else. Hit home runs. The Beatles started out one dimensional. But damnit they could pump out those tunes with the most basic lyrics that would make women weep. Kinda like how chicks dig the long ball. (starting to make sense now right? see i told you) The turning point in both of these cases was PED's. Bonds had steroids. The Beatles had LSD.

-Shaq is the funniest athlete in sports

No comments:

Post a Comment